Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I don’t get marriage
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.