Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
This guy gets it.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Beware of fowl play.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I wish I were this cool 😂
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.