Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL