People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Children of the corn 🌽
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.