Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.