It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us