Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope