If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
😬
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.