My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
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The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows