88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
can’t bark with your mouth full
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.