Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me