*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
honestly, i need both:
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.