Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach