[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don鈥檛 believe in God, I don鈥檛 think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Previously On Persistence 馃槑
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.