My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?