Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.