Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.