[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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Me *whispers*: never again
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Salad is the decaf of food.