A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.