My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.