Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
What?!?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m confused about plants
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”