[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me trying to walk in a dream
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Who knew!