Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.