No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Breaking news:
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?