I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
couldn’t resist
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.