Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.