[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
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If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
why am I working on Labor Day
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce