My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Yesterday I said the words βclink the lickβ instead of βclick the linkβ because my mouth likes to prank me
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
π€
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now Iβm mad that I canβt get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.