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*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
No, YOUR illiterate.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Choose your fighter
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
6: are snakes just neck?
Succinctly put.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}