The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.