(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces