Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Am I having a stroke?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.