[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
How I’d get arrested…
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”