My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
You Might Also Like
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that鈥檚 not my name and I think you鈥檝e had enough.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I鈥檓 trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I鈥檒l be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I鈥檓 the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 馃槓
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she鈥檚 turning left
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it鈥檚 okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You鈥檙e old
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it鈥檚 called a pew
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind