Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
You Might Also Like
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.