Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Everything reminds me of my ex
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.