Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.