Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.