Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant