A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.