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Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Facebook Twitter
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.