Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god