Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs