*aggressively waits in line*
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.