A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
hmm conte-me mais
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.