let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.