went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Chicken bread
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog