How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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waiting for halloween be like:
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
lmfao come on
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
me irl
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.