her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
back to work
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Here’s a meme
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.