As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look